COUGAR?

Mscheeeeewww, I let out a long hiss. I was clearly not amused by another missed call from a private number on my phone. At first I thought a friend was playing a cruel joke on me or a colleague or familiar enemy but now this is turning to a daily obsession.

cougar Me

I refused to pick because I just had a strange feeling the caller was up to mischief. Now this has been going on for a week and clearly at wits end I told my friend, Lameh. She suggested I picked the call and listen to what the caller has to say. I was having none of that; I rather submit a report to the police and get an order to the service provider to release the number of my chief tormentor.

 “Cece, it would be nice if you actually take time out to listen to other peoples opinion, you are becoming more cynical as you age and to think you are not yet forty”

“Ouch” I retorted.

“That was mean”, but Lameh has never been the one to hide her feelings she just blurts it out.

“Get over yourself, hear the caller out” she responded not minding my bruised ego.

I decided to pick up whenever the caller dialed my number and I missed the call again. I am not known for multitasking, as I lose my concentration easily when something is bothering my mind. I took a break and left my seat. Pacing up and down, trying to figure out who this unknown person is my phone rang. It was a private number again, I composed myself and picked but before I could say a word the below was reeled out to me.

“Cradle snatcher, if you want to settle down badly, pick your age. My man is out of bounds, I can take it if he goes on with a girl of our age group but you are way too old for him. What is deceiving you, or who are you fooling. Your wrinkles will always shine through.” And the line went off. I was stunned; I staggered a bit and walked slowly to my seat. 

Then text messages with the subject “Old rag” filled my phone with the same words spoken to me as the body. After filling up my inbox I took permission and closed early.

My mind kept thinking, Chuks is the only one I was dating that I was older than and K.v is older than me with years. I had told Chuks off already.

 Is there someone else that I don’t know that is younger than me?

What is the big deal in dating someone younger than me?

Why should the girlfriend see me as a threat after all “I am old and wrinkly”

If I am that much of a threat to her, then I must be doing something she has no idea of. I am not going to throw myself in self pity mode, I have a plan.

Hunt down this prey of mine and be the cougar.

"WHO STOLE THE MEAT FROM THE COOKING POT"

Hmmm, most of us may remember our playful days in primary school when we played the game “who stole the meat from the cooking pot”.

It’s a game of accusation and counter accusation…from “form a big circle, like your mama’s cooking pot”, the announcer now proceeds to accuse a member of the playgroup and counter accusations goes on and on. I never thought it would play itself in real life.

Otedola

The recent scandal between Femi Otedola and Hon Farouk Lawan is really amusing albeit serious. Money exchanged hands, not even Naira notes, thousands of dollars in cash and they say Nigeria is in debts. A total of six hundred and twenty thousand dollars changed hands!

“Cunny man die, cunny man burry am”, an adage that rings so true in today’s world. The revered Hon and Zenon Oil giant squared up to each other in the famous game “who stole the meat from the cooking pot”

“No 1 stole the meat from the cooking pot”

Backed with video evidence Femi Otedola told his story to the press.

“Oh me?”

Farouk Lawan was absolutely stunned and denied the allegation profusely, he even swore never to have met and collected the marked notes from Otedola.

“Yes you”

 Otedola proceeded to spill the beans. The video was even watched by former President Obj, Uncle Jonaa, Sambo et al and they must have been wondering how the SSS pulled that kind of stunt.

“It couldn’t be”

Lawan launched some late moves, now remembering that he took the money from Otedola but only in a bid to expose him. Hear him “Given the desperation of Mr. Otedola, handling this matter, in a firm but diplomatic manner is necessary as he has also made some veiled threats which put me and members of the committee in a delicate situation.” He also presented evidence; dated police memos to buttress his point.

Lawan

“Then who”

Now Otedola took the matter to the police, submitted the video evidence and left some strong words for Lawan. Otedola told the police that the persistent demands by Lawan for the balance of the bribe made on telephone were recorded in audio format. Both the audio and video recordings of the transactions were submitted yesterday.

 “Why did he go to the man’s house? If you wanted to expose him, what stopped you from asking him to come and meet you at your own location?”

 “Would it have been a coincidence? Otedola accused him of demanding the bribe to remove the name of his firm from the list of indicted firms. It turned out that while the report was being considered by the House, the same Lawan applied to remove Zenon from the list. We are disturbed over this development”, an embittered member said.

Investigations showed that Lawan’s explanation that he wrote the Chairman of the House Committee on Drugs/Narcotics and Financial Crimes, Mr. Adams Jagaba, and attached the bribe money reportedly did not convince some lawmakers.

“Why did he choose Jagaba and not the police or other security agencies?

And the show of shame goes on…

Time Out

nkwobi

Ever thought about a perfect get away from the hustles and bustles of life…I decided to take two of my good girlfriends out for lunch. We wanted something African, tasty, saucy that would bring out our inner yen and get us refreshed for the week ahead. Note that we are single ladies.

Already at the joint we ordered two plates of Nkwobi and one plate of NgwoNgwo and the meal did not disappoint. With running noses, we started talking about our personal lives one after the other. I was not sure of where I stood in my relationship and I passed on the conversation, Gf 1 is about getting married and was the most excited of the three of us. Gf 2 had held onto a grudge for a long time and wants to finally give peace a chance in her relationship.

Well I made some observations, men winked, some offered to join us and my friends obliged them. “It’s a table for three” I was quick to say, but my friends were having none of that.. “Don’t you look dashing” they would say and give them a knowing look indicating that I am single and up for talks.

 I was forced into conversation with my friends and two guys, my mind drifted to the Nigeria vs Malawi game, Manny vs Bradley match, Portugal vs Germany and I kept fiddling with my phone to get any updates.

Nadal's 7th major on clay

I was reprieved, my phone was seized and I was given a lecture on how to be less boyish and more girlish. They also promised to make my picture their DP for a week; a form of advertisement to drive men my way. And those guys gladly asked for their pins. I passed on mine. I was about settling the bills when one of the guys in a rather loud manner declared he would be a gentle man and pay up. I reminded him that he table crashed, it’s my bill to foot and I work hard for my money hence spend it as I like.

Okay my friends gave me a piece of their mind later on but I made my point..I am no endangered specie waiting to be helped…

Meanwhile, Nadal won his record 7^th major on clay court... (At least I am celebrating a man)

Winks

Ink Cry

I must have woken up on the wrong side of my bed today because everything I did was not just right. I burnt my favourite Thomas pink shirt and was late for my presentation this morning. 
While giving my presentation I made a grammatical blunder and stopped midway complaining of exhaustion in a cold airy room.

I tried to getting myself back to work by playing Enya on my laptop when a colleague brought his hard drive for me to check some information he got on a new brief and pronto! My laptop caught a deadly auto run virus that completely crashed my system. I hit my fist on my table and cursed out loud as people peeped in to check if I was still normal. My blood was hot; I packed up my laptop and headed out of the office in a rush to get to P.c repair centre.

I tripped on the stairs and rolled to the floor. People rushed to my sight and I became a free cinema, as if the insult was not enough the new guy that I have a crush on was right in front of me. I was pale with embarrassment and tried to get up but still stumbled because my knees were trembling.  He helped me up as I quickly regained strength, dusted off my clothes and smiled lamely to him, picked up my laptop bag and my fallen ego as I made my way for the car.

While driving Chuks called to find out if I had finally decided to pick one of his options of walking out of his life or staying? And just imagine Chucks has a dedicated girlfriend but because they are both “As” he wants to have an affair with me and even suggested marriage if only I could pretend or lie about my age to his family because I’m two years older than him. Well poor chucks choose a wrong time to ask his silly question as I gave him his size and simply told him that men on earth are not finished and I have a marriage proposal with another (Kv).  I’m not looking for an immature male or a bigot to offer me a life line.

 I hung up the phone smiled satisfactorily to myself, made a U-turn and headed home not minding the query I may receive in the office tomorrow, right now I need a cool bath and sleep.

I got back to my house and sank to the sofa, tried hard to relax but could not help remembering all that happened in one day, my brain replayed everything and in my true melancholy mood I drowned myself in self pity but refused to cry.

 Instead I picked up a paper and pen and let the ink cry a river for me as I poured out the emotional jargon's and set my mind free........

Heart Impasse

when do I draw the line....

Kelvin isn’t the regular guy you see around, looking at him you’ll get a striking expression you will never forget in a hurry. Physique, height and wit rolled into one man that forms K.E.L.V.I.N. He can even sweet-talk my dead grand mother to giving life another try with the ease at which he unleashes his customised amazing poetry. Funny thing about Kelvin is the way he uses different words to say the same thing.............simply awesome. He smiles from his heart and with eyes boring deep into you, to know what lies beneath the cover, Kv is simply mind-boggling and he lies with so much ease that when caught he gives a dashing contagious smile that would make you lost. Kelvin is just a sweetheart because sane or insane, any woman with blood flowing in her veins will just feel a natural attachment towards him. He is nature’s gift to us.

I had been hearing about him before I met him and I was secretly staring at his body before fate brought us together. I was at the pool to cool my aching nerves when I first saw him, he walked past me to take a drink by the bar and was so masculine that he naturally got the attention of the ladies at the pool and bar. He walked with so much confidence and had a smile for every lady that came his way. He took a sharp turn and I quickly took a dip in the pool to hide my guilt of staring at a virile male from head to toe. I got out of the pool when it could no longer calm my nerves and I came face to face with Kv, holding two glasses of cocktail he whispered “this will calm your nerves better” I blushed before I realised it and he stretched out his hand as he introduced himself to me “I’m your arch angel and you’re.........” stammering, fidgeting and stuttering as I tried hard to find my voice I replied “Cece”. His smile widened as he reminded me that I would need little warmth as I was still by the pool side, not knowing what to say I faltered as I could only mumble “thank you Mr.........” “Kelvin” he replied with a deep baritone.

I couldn’t believe the fact that he thought I was beautiful and was good to take home at age 30. He never ran out of what to say and he didn’t have to sweat to get my number as we turned friends and became lovers. I loved him with my heart and soul even though I knew he had a major problem.....women..... When Kv is with you for the first time he would treat you like the queen of heaven but after the first day he’ll treat you like a regular...........the others in his life. He never asked me out to make his constant visit to my bed official, the lines just seem to fall in place and I couldn’t refuse the warmth on my bed and glow my skin experienced afterwards. 

I longed for every little moment I could share alone with him. Kv never minced words in letting me know he had other ladies he delivered the service to as he often says “I don’t want a commitment; I don’t want you to suffer, because you’re not the only lady I’m feeling and showing love to” but I couldn’t let go, so I stayed on and kept praying for a miracle.

One night after our usual rendezvous, he asked me out and said I should think seriously about getting married to him; for I’m the only one he is popping the big question to. Kv (40) is a proper chauvinist, filled with ego and male bravado, he told me he wanted the answer to his question immediately but I couldn’t say a word for I was stunned.

1.  To be his official girlfriend.
2.  To be his wife and bear his kids

That was just too much for me to consume and I needed to free my mind and think straight without him looking at me, for he makes me say yes when I mean to really  say no.

Now I’m in a dilemma as I’m thinking of taking Kvs’ offer because I’m 34 and offers like this hardly come my way but I know his leopard hardly changes its spots and he would always love and keep his ladies............and  I don’t want to want to die young. I want to get married to Kv, but not in exchange for a heart attack, my whole mind is turning as I’m between the devil and the deep blue sea. Getting married to Kv will make me the envy of all ladies but I would have a weak heart that would remain incurable due to Kelvin’s penchant for women of different shapes sizes and colour..........

Memories of a Smile

Its that time of the month and somehow I feel my mood swing is getting the better of me. Someone caught my attention, an elderly woman hawking gala..she smiled.

A Smile

I was tired,fatigued and needed more rest than the half empty bus could give me and then she smiled. It was a knowing smile, she could almost feel what I was going through and I responded with an appreciative smile.

Immediately I remembered all the notable smiles I had encountered. The self-depreciating smile a widow gives herself, the scornful smile the Policemen gave me when I reminded them of my rights.

The plastic smiles politicians and beauty pageant contestants readily show , the natural smile of a child as he gazes into the unknown, the radiant smile of fulfillment when a bride walks down the Isle.

For some others its the smile of hope, hope for a better tomorrow, hope that things can only get better. A smile for the good old days, memories of yesteryear's, with a tear threatening to drop a smile still shines through.

I know recent happenings are not exactly smile worthy, but a smile is a gift, a hope,a thought that could bring forth a better future, if its sincerely from the heart.

Smile

what's new on the airwaves?

I hate to sound sarcastic, pessimistic, cynical, and gloomy but really what’s the good news on the airwaves. I have been labelled self obsessed, vain always blogging about myself and feeding the Nigerian public with distasteful feminist tales.

crash site at Iju

A week from my high horse and I am worse for wear. Two road mishaps, a plane crash in Ghana from Nigeria and another plane crash in Iju. Suddenly I remembered Lagos was not just about Lekki, Victoria Island, Ikoyi, Ajah, G.R.A, or Allen. Some people somewhere stay in Iju, road network is so poor and yet we are smiling; Year of transformation indeed.

Mr President declares 3days mourning, but is that the root cause. Appealing to sentiments and not dealing with real life issues. For how long are we going to rub powder on a face that is ravaged, for how long are we going to play hide and seek, for how long are we going to keep up with this charade. For how long will people die a death that could be avoided?

You ask if I am disturbed, certainly. If I am going to give up cooing about myself then there should be something to smile about, there should be something to point to as dividend of democracy apart from freedom of speech. There should be better road networks, better infrastructure, affordable housing, checks and balance as regards safety for travellers. If we don’t take ourselves seriously how do we expect Indian, Lebanese, Chinese or any of those cheap labour guys to take us?

If Jonathan and his cabinet takes Nigerians seriously then foreigners doing business in our country, making profit at our expense would treat us with respect. And while still at that, Boko haram is still bombing, people are still dying, yet Jonathan scores himself high..is it not better I  feed you all with my self obsessed thoughts and stories than die an early death thinking about Nigeria and her failed politicians?