Recurrence

Tears streaming down my eyes, I struggle for all moral justification to put myself in the right. But I should have known better, I was just his feel good factor, adrenaline rush to check if he still had his game on. How do I feel after everything emptier than I was before I met him? It was short, so short.

Once bitten twice shy they say but I was just being stupid. Now I’m coming hard on myself as usual after all the damage has been done.

I met Martins, still smarting from a breakup, like me he was not seeing anyone but still had a girlfriend technically. How? Let me explain, they lost the spark between them though no one said the word "it’s over" they knew it was, or so sure was he and he told me. He got a new job and I got a run for my money as she returned in full force. We were just two months old. Nostalgic feelings took over and he became withdrawn from me, call traffic from him to my phone dropped sharply as more excuses were made.

I knew I was at the beginning of the end already, I can't be the other woman and I have never thought of myself in that position. I tried it for two days and I gave it up, kept hearing "my girlfriend" but it used to be me. It’s clear he still loves her or what is the comparison of two years with two months. He says he is confused but I have made my decision. I have also communicated it to him.

Do I love him?

Yes                                        

Am I going to let go?

Yes

Am I hurt?

Yes

Has this happened before?

Yes

Did I learn my mistake?

No

Hope I have learnt now?

I hope so.

Tears falling willingly and no am not hushing myself. It’s time to let it out ,sleep and wake to a new season.

A CAUSE TO CELEBRATE

News has been flying, tongues wagging, eyes have been suggestive and the atmosphere has been tensed. Everyone knows there is something cooking and the recent mood of the C.E.O has said it all “business unusual from next month” He summoned all regional heads to a 4days emergency meeting and three of the regional heads tendered their resignation letter. Sources from rumour mills talked about shady practices in the office and submitted that all the accounts had been audited. A can worm of trouble is brewing as internal lobbying started in full force. “Scratch my back, I scratch your back” bosses are even frowning because the morning is no longer good. A committee on ethics and standards have been set up and people have been summoned to the distinguished panel.

Yours truly has been tensed, my work rate had been doubled as my team struggle to find the best aggressive but people friendly marketing strategy for our brand. My team members are frowning but I could care less, as the project lead if anything goes wrong then all the blame would be put on me, three straight overnights in a row to brainstorm and proffer possible solutions. The atmosphere in the office is tensed, everyone is on the edge and the deadline for the submission of our report is in two weeks time, the same date that the result of the committee would be made public.

As I walked into my office I met a letter on my table and a busy body quickly told me not to develop cold feet that everyone in the office had a letter to collect. My mind was unsettled as I couldn’t wait for the closing hour, I packed up some of my personal effects looking left and right like a thief “what if I had been demoted, transferred or even suspended........ Devil is a liar! ”. I practically raced to my car; my hands were shaking as sweat fell freely from my face. I didn’t know how I drove but I knew I got home in one peace. I walked into my room and dropped my bag on the floor, turned on my cooling system, kicked off my shoes and fell to my bed clutching the letter in my left hand. The room was suddenly cold and quiet; I stood up again to turn off the cooling system and opened the sliding windows and the curtains. I sat on the edge of my bed as I mumbled a quick prayer to God amidst tears “please help me”, I opened the envelope and could see the signature of the C.E.O and my regional head on it...........my heartbeat doubled as I opened my eyes to see my years of dedication and tireless service rewarded.............a letter of promotion as the chief marketing officer!!!!

I screamed out with a loud voice of triumph, as I let the tears roll down my cheeks, I switched on my phone and the cooling system that had been switched off and ran to the sitting room  to make a call to my mother and younger sister;  the two people I know that truly love me no matter the rain or weather.........then I started writing a list of my selected guests to my private party to commemorate my promotion. I can imagine what people would be saying “instead of her to be thinking of getting married she is busy spending money to celebrate an ordinary promotion” but I believe I have a right to celebrate my success whether I’m married or not, so I’m going to roll out the drums and celebrate big time because I’m the biggest fish in marketing now.............aint easy!!!  

Sister L'quil

I just exhausted a roll of tissue before I started writing this piece and I took two shots of vodka, that I would have never taken in my entire life but I just had to forget my misery and let the vodka worry about it.

Is it a crime that I’m unmarried at 34, is it my fault that men would rather have a fling than think of starting a family with me, or whenever I try to be friendly to a particular guy, he thinks I’m going haywire as he starts ringing it loud and clear that he doesn’t see a future with an old lady so I shouldn’t get things twisted. I was almost loosing my sanity because I kept on wondering if I placed a tag on my head saying “please marry me, I’m running out of date” or behaved in any way to suggest I’m in desperate need for marriage? I agree that my expiry date is at hand or I’m living within it already but I have gotten used to it and I’m managing my condition well.

The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when my current neighbours moved in. They were a young couple and it was obvious they were still in their teething period as they quarrelled everyday. Whenever I come back from work I was welcomed with their noise, with the husband storming out of the house and slamming the door hard behind him, leaving a broken wife to cry a river in the house. I never bothered or interfered with their business because I had my issues too, but one day after another stormy session and exchange of hot words and blows, Mr Oga stormed out as usual and the poor girl was left bleeding in the room. I had to rush her to the hospital where she was discovered to have had a miscarriage. I tried calling Mr Oga the local champion, but his phone was unavailable. I paid the hospital bills and she was discharged the next day as I expected Mr Oga to say thank you, instead he ignored me as usual and perhaps thought I was invisible.

Adesua and I became close after the whole ordeal as she referred to me as “Sister L’quila” and indeed I became an elder sister to her. She would even come to my house whenever Mr Oga had gone for his usual jiving. I soon realised Adesua was a housewife at 24 and I asked her why because she has so much to give. She explained that she met Jare during youth service and got pregnant, her parents insisted he married her and pronto she became a Mrs. Loosing the pregnancy to her was a nightmare because that was the main reason she got married to Jare and the miscarriage only made things between them go from bad to worse as they no longer talk in the house “ I feel tensed anytime he is around because I don’t know the direction his hands or legs might take” she said amidst tears. I tried to give her the best possible advice I could by telling her to apply for a job and keep herself busy at least he would no longer see her as a liability but a woman that wants to assist the husband in any little way she can. Adesua applied and she got called for an interview, then I received a loud knock on my door as Mr Oga came raging in front of me. He called me a filthy old rag that had been devalued, the main reason why I’m unmarried at my old age, that I’m the one helping his wife build up castles in the air so she can be as useless as I have turned out to be. He said that I may have everything but without a man I am nothing, I closed my eyes but refused to cry as I walked him out of my house because he was uninvited.

I was just getting over that round of insult when Adesua walked in and delivered a shocker saying she doesn’t want the job and would not go for the interview that she is very happy with her loving husband. I smiled and told her that I’m happy so long she was happy and I sank to my sofa thinking, if I was married would that boy walk into my house and talk to me like that, is it the society or Mr Oga alone that thinks a single old lady like me can only cause chaos in a young couples lives?

Whenever I withdraw, it’s taken that I’m snobbish, when I talk, people think I’m loose, when I try to have a good rapport with a guy, he thinks I’m a flirt or desperate to have a ring so now  I am back to my bottle of vodka and a new roll of tissue to drink and mourn the departure of “Sister L’quila” who was haunted to death...........

Heartache....Doc can you help?

I don’t like visiting the clinic; the smell of drugs, the haste during emergency, the apprehensive look from concerned relatives, the stillness when there is a bad news and of course the all white saintly colour that makes a sinner like me feel like purging. I came to see my little nephew who broke his toe and was brought to the clinic, David was going through so much pain but like a brave soldier his little hands held mine and managed a faint smile, with that I stood up unable to bear the emotions in me  I went to find myself a quiet place to weep when I  suddenly felt a hand across my shoulder as I opened my eyes to a bubbly aristocratic lady who should be in her fifties smile down at me

I trembled and her poodle winced at me as she held on firmly to the poor thing and said “every mother needs a comforting hand while crying”, I adjusted myself and apologised for disturbing her in  any form “oh dear come off it, my hearty congratulations! You are expecting one at last , am so happy for you, tears of joy, you know I had to wait three and half years and fifteen agonising days for my first baby in marriage and.....” “Ma I’m not pregnant and neither am I ....” “I understand, after my third child I was told by specialist I couldn’t give birth again, I cried my eyes out and he was not even there to comfort me, this must be dejavou, poor dear...” I summoned all the last in me to give this overbearing lady an answer once and for all as I said “ Madame, I don’t have any medical problems and I’m not divorced, widowed or married, neither am I planning to get married and before you say anything else and make ridiculous conclusions I’m a 34 year old single marketing officer that came to the clinic to check her younger sisters boy, who broke a toe and I do not regret being single!”

Colour drained off her face as she said “I know you don’t need my sorry so I won’t say it, besides now is not the time for self pity or condemnation. I still relish my single years you know, the chase guys give ..............and” her phone rang “I hate being interrupted” she said but swiftly changed her voice to a low sultry tone as she expressed her desire to be with a particular baby boy.

Feeling I had an advantage I asked “your husband” her hand froze as she managed to still the poodle on her laps as pain took over her face “No, that could never be, he is always on the move, gallivanting and sowing his wild oats where he pleases, the land is always green for him but I could care less, he sends money to my account, I have a say in all of his companies, I remain the only legal wife and to my knowledge  my children are well secured in his will, so I don’t give a damn if he continues skirt chasing ,drug pushing ,reckless drinking and wife battering. if you are as curious as I am you would want to know why I cheat” I held her by her shoulders looking for words to comfort her but could not find any “because you can’t give what you don’t have” a small voice said within me and I just started crying as she continued “for my body damages, I could wear expensive clothes, for tears; I could drink and smoke away the pains but not with my heart. With the bed ever lonely and the natural craving of being desired welling up within me I looked for warmth in the hands of his trusted lawyer, greed is the bane of human problems and I capitalised on that. Now with my children’s future secured and a little body pleasure, I’ve managed to forget about him  and I hope you are not against my unusual happiness dear” “no, because I understand. But tell me, are you really happy” she held my hands, looked me in the eyes and shook her head as she started crying  “oh, I loved him and I love him so much, but he keeps driving me crazy, I wish, oh dear, how I wish...........” “Madam, the doctor would like to see you now” impulsively I gave her my handkerchief as she straightened, chinned up, feigned a smile and said “so long dear”

“Bye” I muttered.

Its not every fracture the scan sees, its not every smile that is sincere, its not every pain the doctors understand.