Pouring out my heart for you all to read and laugh, frown, smile briefly or even cry is not as easy as you think. Apart from the money I stand to gain from writing down my life story for some of you to criticise, hiss at and perhaps call me disillusioned at 38 , I also get to selfishly pass my message across to you all, drain my emotions while you feel my heartbeat ; with the hope that I , with my jargons, have in some way helped to save humanity .
A feminist you may call me but not a lesbian, man-less I may be but of course with pungent reasons, uncooked my approach to writing may be yet the words ring true for so many women out there including the unhappy married women whom for the love of their children stomach all the hurts one cannot fathom and remain in a padlock called marriage.
In the past years, we have witnessed the fall of the mighty; men of valor conquered by their penchant to 'serial cheat'. Tiger and the blonde bevies in the woods, Terrys playing session with the French bombshell and Ashleys frolicking on and off the pitch. The harsh reality of todays world is that a lady with a fragile or naive heart can not survive the emotional darts thrown by men ably aided by women like us, in completing their favourite video reality game, breaking hearts........
At 38 I still cry whenever I remember Dee, I loved him with my whole heart. I did not want money, jewellery, cars, clothes, shoes or any material things. What I wanted was unseen; I was, in the words of Apostle Paul , focusing on things we can not see . I yearned for nothing but his sincere love and time. Little did I know that it was the scarcest thing a guy could part with. I could see my future with him ; I saw myself in his kitchen cooking his meals, feeding him and renouncing my spinsterhood.
My dreams were dashed by the bitter blow he dealt me. It took years to recover, like a tortoise I retreated into my shell, on the defensive , but happy with my shell as it protected me from the fiery darts thrown at me. I never knew I was emotional, I never knew I could crumble, I had high blood pressure and I realised I was almost killing myself over a guy that never cared for me as in, he was no longer into me. I found it hard to believe, we shared so much together but he was not brave enough to tell me to my face that it was over, he chose a text message in which he reaffirmed his love for me but deemed it 'complicated'.
I drained his phone with my phone calls, I begged, grovelled, wept, gnashed my teeth but his mind was made up. I had to call myself to order before I self destruct. I was a shadow of myself .
I recognized that although Dee had rejected me, God had not rejected me, that I am beautiful on the inside and outside.
Then I began to check my self and ask pertinent questions. I realised I had a low self esteem and needed a guy to complete me and feel secured even though I was outgoing ,vivacious and loveable . I receive marriage offers and relate well with people, my smile is very infectious and when people meet with me they are moved to confide in me.
I have since decided that God completes me and not any man. I have chosen to be more assertive about what I want in life ; write down my rules for people to see. I dont have to betray who I am simply because I need some guy to put a ring on it. Its no sin being single so long as you have your sustenance coming from God, then and only then would you exude peace, confidence.
When the man that is worthy of you shows up, he would know he has indeed found a good thing. He would fight to have you in his house, guarding his heart and loving him till death.
You may still be wondering what my last heroic act was, well it was finally writing about what hurts me so much, thanking God for everyday spent in my life and enjoying the company of my friends. Now my heart is stronger not because I did it myself but because I gave all my hurts and pains to a higher being and shared it with friends and foes alike.
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