MY NERVOUS SYSTEM

I realized I had another nervous system apart from the ones we knew or read about in science classes. Little wonder the last time I took ill and saw my doctor, he discharged and told me all I needed was  a little rest, but I was convinced I had a nervous disorder and I decided to treat myself after all its my mess.

So I decided to diagnose myself and I found out three nervous breakdowns in my system. I had been crying for long, mostly when I remember or realize how gullible I was with my ex, please don’t get me wrong, a guy walking out of my life or signing off my page is not a problem to me, am crying because a good for nothing…………sorry a charming pretender walked into my life and played his game with all smoothness until he got the visa and secured a huge loan with the stocks I inherited from my father. I couldn’t have thought he was using me, he spoke queens English , diction perfect, dressing, carriage , charisma and not forgetting his love making …………..sincerely was awesome and I became too willing to help him solve his never ending problems or should I call it his series of unfortunate events.

The second department is weak because I am expecting the result of  a professional exam I did to get rid of some nosy girls who are after my job and my heart fails because my adrenaline rate gets really high whenever I remember how young and pretty they are, I even think they enrolled in a modeling class. I am now a regular customer at the gym and spa, and my make up is constant and up to date, but the smile, ………………..its waning and becoming more plastic by the day even though I am trying……………….hmmm……..marketing is not easy, or just tell me, is it my fault that I went to a federal university and finished late as a result of our numerous strikes?

The last symptom is my breathing, it has been heavy of late but it was steady last week when my younger sister that adores me so much gave birth to a cute baby boy. She is a full time house wife and she says she envies me than being locked up in the house against her wish …….if only she knew that I wouldn’t mind …………………what am I saying , let me get back to my cute nephew, looking at him and my breathing becomes so steady as I forget all my personal troubles………at least for a moment and then it became heavy again when I heard that  they submitted a list of people to consider for promotion and my name was included in the list, but I hope it would still be there after the board of directors have had their meeting so I can heave a sigh of relief and breathe steadily again……….

The below is my careful diagnosis after redefining my nervous system     

They are the tears in my eyes,

That must not fall,

That must not drop.

The blood in my veins,

That must not stop,

That must move on.

It is the air that I breathe,

That must not cease,

That must go on.

My pain, my fear, my joy,

That must live on,

That may touch more……………..

So if you are nervous or feeling funny like me, I’ll suggest you check your nervous system and get your results quickly.

RING THE ALARM!!!

Ring my Bell

My mothers’ voice had always been a constant alarm/timer/reminder telling me what to do and when to do it. Her favourite word had always been “tick says the clock tick, tick, what you have to do, do quickly”. My mum started acting as my timer /reminder when I gained admission to the University; in my first year, she told me to run as fast as I could from guys, that were just looking for a freshman to sleep with and of course I listened to her after all “mothers know best”. When I was in my final and she knew I had a boyfriend after several years of me coding it from her, she told me not to do it but if I had to, I should not jeopardize the wonderful career I had in front of me. This simply means “please do not get pregnant”. Again I listened to her, after all it was all for my own good, any pregnancy would mark an abrupt end to my career which I had not even started.

Immediately after my university education, my mum started a reminder on my need to get a masters degree. She says, “ you know love, every tom, dick and harry, now have a masters, you need to get one quickly for job security”, but I was quick to remind her that I had to serve first and she started another alarm for a year “ youth corpers  especially the guys are bad news, they are looking for peck and go, hold on to your God and you will be okay”. Mums advice is always good and motherly but am grown now and have feelings too, what happens when I’m cold and don’t want to hug my pillow, what happens when I want to hear a reassuring voice that would tell me every thing is okay and calm down my nerves? I know God can do that, but having someone that would also be there physically wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

 I followed mum’s words and I finished my service year and proceeded for my masters’ programme, but not without mums recurring alarm, now singing a different tune, “don’t be hasty to judge guys, your Mr right might just be around the corner” I chocked on my coffee as I busted out laughing, if only she knew that I had experimented and tested the waters already.

After working for four years, my mum did not hide her sentiments that I needed a ring and a man. Whenever she starts with “don’t you want me to carry your children”, I just retire to my bedroom and sleep and when her ''alarmism'' became too bad I left the house for her although I regret doing that but I face pressure in my workplace, pressure from my mother, pressure from ego stricken guys I had been unfortunate to date, pressure everywhere............... birthdays that I looked forward to was no longer the same as I would quietly countdown , for my biological clock was ticking and I was ringing my bells myself.

 I don’t have to make the available the desirable because I want to get married quickly, not every princess will end up with a prince. After my 34^th birthday my mother resigned to fate that I would end up being single, it pains but looking on the brighter side, I can fully be a career lady and I balance my emotional life by having a younger man in life. I know I’m only paying for his services even though he claims he loves me, I just couldn’t bring myself to be a number 2, 3, 4... nor a mistress.

In this guys case I’m the one with the cash, so I can determine when I want to see him with my money. I only need one last request from him; a child and I would settle him so he can go and meet younger girls because I do not see a future with him. A child to hold will be the greatest gift in my entire life and I don’t think its any ones business to ask where I got the bundle of joy from. So here goes another alarm, set by me this time, because I know I’m not in the job market , in fact I don’t want to get married again, I just want a donor so I can have a baby for my biological clock is ticking. It is risk free and a lot of benefit awaits the donor............dividends plus bonus........I’m waiting......   

The Emperors New Cloth

Am I stunned, perplexed, amazed...No I am not. I am just wondering who spurned the Emperors new cloth. It was to be a lovely robe to announce his 2015 ambition and bring back the 'prodigal SouthWest' to the main stream.

It was to be worn for two days. Prayers, prophetic endorsements and declarations for 2015 and then announcements to bring back the cast away and promote national unity on day 2.

 Then the unthinkable happened. After all the guest had passed through security check there was a security breach. Suddenly in the Spirit of Pentecost Primate Akinola spoke at the Ecumenical Centre in Abuja...."you who steal the money for road construction leaving our roads in a state of disrepair, causing several accidents and untimely deaths of thousands of our people, their blood is crying to the creator. You who steal the money earmarked for healthcare delivery, thereby running down and turning our hospitals into mortuaries; you who have destroyed our educational system, because the money meant for schools never got to them; you who make laws to inflate costs included in the budget, are you listening to me?

All of you, whoever you are, greedy, arrogant politicians and officials who are in government only for what you can steal from it and virtually nothing to contribute to national development and has turned Nigeria into a wretch, repent today and make reparations and God will have mercy on you. Don't say Amen, only if you repent.'' and everywhere was silent.

But of course one of the tailors who decorated his robe for day 1 came up to defend the President not answering Amen. According to Reuben Abati, the chief tailor, it is a long standing presidential protocol that during church or Mosque services, the President only offers a fixed number of amens or amis as the case may be. "It is the same people accusing the President of not saying amen to anti-corruption prayer that would be accusing him of favouritism if he had broken with protocol and said more amens than is allowed by constitution"

Then on Day 2, after his haphazard speech that commenced with the building of a national museum and ended it with the rechristening of Unilag to Moshood Abiola University.

He was silent on corruption and terrorism and in a wrong move to placate the southwest his tailors sewed another cloth for him which was in bad taste.

Unilag like University of London and UCLA are schools that are metropolitan and should not be tampered with by any government trying hard to score a political punch.

I am ashamed and appalled at the level of the reasoning of a President who forgot that MKO was pillar of sports and democracy in Nigeria. There is already a polytechnic named after him and then there is still University of Agriculture in Abeokuta that can be named after him.

Why can't a new currency be named after him or the Abuja stadium? If the University of Lagos was listed on the stock exchange its shares would have fallen drastically. There is a lot with branding and Jonathan has again shown that he and his tailors/weavers lack common sense.

Please who is helping our President weave new robes...

protesters in UNILAG now MAU

WHY FAULT A PLAIN JANE

Today, I’m not writing about myself, I want to take my time to write about my colleague that just got married at 30, a very passionate lady that loves life and enjoys it to the fullest. Jane used to be that girl we quickly walk past or mumble a sharp hello without looking at her face. She puts us in a bad mood a times and we silently thank God for spending a little time on us because she was a total mess.........totally ugly, she needed a facial lift, body overhaul and a bit of finesse in her composure.

Dear JANE

Guys trickled in and out of her life like raindrops trickling from a leaking roof as she tried to impress and went the extra mile by applying the adage “the way to a mans heart is good food” as she cooked, washed, cleaned and scrubbed and treated whoever dated her as a king. She would also cling to him and hold on with her fist, teeth, her entire being and soul only for him to leave her the same way, for the same reason and excuse “I have tried but I just can’t stand you, really you have a wonderful heart and the right guy will come.......” “ Is she jinxed” you may ask but she is not, she is a brilliant and respectful lady with a low self esteem that was gotten from the jeers and attitudes from guys and ladies alike.

After her perennial heartbreaks and failures with men she decided to seek counsel from me on how to make her viable in this mans world and as a good student our ugly duckling turned to a beautiful princess and became the toast of men. In place of her scanty hair was long and well trimmed human hair weave on, her eyelashes were fixed and inviting with the waterproof mascara and eyeliner she used, even the spots on her face were gone as she had it covered with a foundation, concealer and facial powder to match her complexion  after washing her face with a facial scrub first and a complexion soap to bath using an even tone fade milk and moisturiser to complete the drama. Her eye lid had three colours that was well done, her eye brow was properly sharpened and no longer bushy even her pouty lips was a beauty to behold as it was well lined and the lipstick with lip gloss she used was simply classy, her badly eaten finger nails gave way for her newly fixed well manicured nails. Her poor dentition had been filed and the new look Jane was a eye turner she would pass for a cover girl and she felt good and showed it as she walked up to me in a function and winked at my date as I clenched my fist ready to do some Mayweather stunt. Later on when I saw her, she told me she moves with the flashy guys that loves classy, cheeky and expensive girls like her and her cooking ability is also a plus for her as she jokingly says “before they complain about my face, now they complain about their pockets but who cares”  I was glad that I could be a good influence in some ones life and was very happy when she told me she was engaged as I screamed like I was the one that received a marriage proposal, though she told me that she feels artificial like a ugly cheat because she feels she deceived her husband but she doesn’t mind because she deserved to be happy like every other girl, he will get to love her like that when he finally looks beyond his nose......Its part of the hassles women go through to get hooked  “Jane you deserve all life’s happiness” and I’m sure anyone reading this would agree with me.  

MY MONTHLY SECRET

shhhhhhh

 

I was a late starter, as all my friends and mates had started having their fair share of monthly droppings before I had mine. I even used to wear a sanitary towel at times to imagine what it felt like, until one day I started having abdominal pains that refused to go. I was constantly lying on my belly and I used every form of pain reliever for more than a week, yet my condition did not change. Seriously I thought I was going to die with the excruciating pain and contraction in my lower abdomen, after two more weeks of toe-curling pains I had my August visitor…………….

Joy like a river was felt deep in my soul, I felt strong and womanly for my droppings had finally arrived. A bold smile was on my face to replace all the piercing pains I’ve had to put up with until, day 1,2, 3, 4………………15,16,17………….20, came and I was still having my monthly droppings. I was as feeble as old Roger and limp as a dead leaf and had been wearing a frown for the past days as I couldn’t figure out why my case must be different. I was taken to the doctor when my folks got tired of buying sanitary towel for me and he explained that I had a minor disorder, prescribed no drugs and told me I needed rest. Finally after day 25, I could smile again as my monthly droppings packed its bags and left, whew……….. I looked anaemic to everyone around me, twenty five days of non-stop droppings, how did it happen? Maybe there is a blood making factory inside of me because it’s simply amazing, I even prayed in my distress for the flow to cease and like an answer to my prayer I did not see it for the next six months..........

Now I was a constant visitor to our family hospital, in fact I think everyone there knows my case, just imagine an auxiliary nurse saw me and said “epele Aunty, Olorun a je ko pada wa” that means “sorry Aunty, may God restore your monthly droppings” as a constant prayer arose in my house and in my heart........like a cool wind the restoration came but with an added gift called “menstrual pain”

They say in all things give thanks but why must my case be so peculiar? From day 1-4 of my monthly droppings I would moan and receive injection on day 1 of my period. I began to dread the arrival day of each month but still thank God it did not pack its bags and leave. During a particular month the pain was so bad that I was rushed to the hospital and some people murmured “she must be a sicklier” or “maybe she aborted.....Chineeeeeke......ladies of nowadays...... hia!” It’s so bad when people just open their caustic mouth and say some rubbish without finding out, judging like they are omnipresent............ its not their fault though, if not for my monthly droppings that flows with great rush like hot akamu (pap), with back pain and stomach contractions that makes me eccentric throughout.

Do I regret it? Uhm......, that’s a tough one because I curse every day 1 of my droppings for the pains that I feel, you know some literates do not understand what a lady faces with her monthly test of ability to withstand the times, the reason why a female colleague of mine said I was afraid of having my presentation that I had to dramatise like an actress. The fact is that some people have never experienced the embarrassing pain that I go through during my droppings, so they can’t understand what I face every month but I know all fingers are not equal and I always tell myself that the reason why I have to face this is because I’m tough, strong, bold and have the capacity to bear the pains other ladies can not comprehend.

Semblance

I walked into the shopping mall, poise, carriage, intact. Smile well plastered on my face. Lost a little weight and definately wore a head turner and killer heels even though my shopping would not exceed my stipulated budget I was sure to shop, window shop and savour all the attention I would be getting.

overwhelmed

I had double checked already, it was going to be a good day. Even the weather forecast agreed with me, bright sunny day they claimed. More reason to pick my fendi sunshades to complete the cheeky look.

A smile for the security detail, I walked into the mall.

 Picked my shopping cart and was ready to achieve my major objective; get noticed. Slowly I made my way, starting from the groceries, I saw a cute family of three plus one. The pregnant wife smiling as their little son wanted to pick almost everything. The husband tried to control the busy son as he let out a loud NO whenever he was told to drop any item that was not required. Tears welled up in my eyes, still managed a faint smile for them but quickly drove my cart away to toiletries.

I had to notice two young teenagers chatting about their boyfriends with the greatest abandon. Each talking about the special attribute they loved in their beaus, I smiled inwardly they are yet to understand what dating and a relationship fully means, when there is a clash in ideals, ideas and personal differences. They smiled at me and went about complementing my dress and make up. One even claimed she would want to be like me when she grows up; if only she knew what lies beneath the smile. I wheeled my cart not wanting to imagine the scenario she so much wanted.

Heart beating faster I headed towards the wine and spirit section there I saw a picture of myself. I met a loud over bearing lady with her assistant, the poor guy was struggling to keep up with her endless information about her ex boyfriends and why she has to drink to the sack of another lover. She was surely single and did not love it even though she claimed she loves her life now. Dressed in everything expensive and still looking slutty I frowned looking quickly for a mirror or anything that reflects to ensure am not her look alike. I just left my cart with nothing in it and drove home distraught.

Tears coming down my eyes I heard 'all by myself' playing on my radio. I really thought it was going to be a good day.

Back in my bed I knew what made me cry, seeing different semblance of what I wished to be, was and could be if not already disillusioned like the last lady I encountered.